Pixel Pushing Monkey

The single player campaign of CoD4 reminded me of first grade, when I had to raise my hand with a desperate thrust and wave to get the teacher's attention, just so that I can go to the bathroom. Even then, it was up to the teacher's discretion to decide whether or not I really had to go, as if my own biology had somehow betrayed and lied to me. The single player experience in CoD4 is essentially the same kind of hand-holding buddy system that we've grown out of (at least some of us) by the time we hit second grade.

Although I understand that the CoD series has always been about scripted battles, being a "shooter-on-rails". The end result is that I am pointlessly bored as our team moves from point A to B, with AI constantly yelling at me, "Soap! Where are you?!" Let's not go into how any respectable mercenary/militia man would allow himself to have a call sign that reminds one of a bad shower experience in prison. Give me Halo 3 anytime, even with Master Chief's strangely erotic relationship with a piece of software (granted, a piece of translucent, glowing, and oddly sexy one at that).

So why did I even get CoD4? Part of it is peer pressure, all my friends were doing it. Part of it is that mixture of RPG and various online multiplayer modes are supposed to be fun. After several grueling hours of "grinding" myself to higher levels, which made me wish that I was still playing WoW, here's what I've realized:

Call of Duty 4 is like having really bad sex.

• You spend a lot of time looking around in attempt to figure out where you are.
• You keep yours eyes peeled for any subtle, sudden, or strange movements that may or may not mean it's okay to proceed.
• You spend hours, or what might have felt like hours in your space/time continuum, in various amount of coaxing and foreplay, just so you can get a shot at actual sex.
• Once in a blue moon, you might actually "engage" in the act of sex, if you're really lucky or good depending on your degree of self-loathing or ignorance in regards to your insignificance in the universe.
• With all the odds of the world against you, you finally do engage in the act, only to have it end about 5 seconds later. Leaving you with a deep sense of dissatisfaction and regret.

Oh yeah, let's not forget all the meanwhile, there's some 12 year old kid yelling at you through the headset, "Do you like nipples?!! I like nipples!!!"

BTW, if you really want to know the secret to getting really, really good at CoD4, consult my dear friend Nano:

(10:02:32 AM) nano: maybe you should dress up like a clown
(10:02:37 AM) nano: noone looks for clowns during warfare
(10:02:46 AM) Steve: indeed O.o
(10:02:55 AM) nano: like that family guy
(10:03:01 AM) nano: when peter is dressed up like one in nam
(10:03:03 AM) nano: and hes like
(10:03:10 AM) nano: 'see, you guys are stupid. theyre going to be looking for soldiers'

Now, go get 25 headshots already.